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The Love-Hate relationship is the favorite plot device for Hollywood filmmakers, a guy and a gal hating each other, passionately. Then that passion turns into maddening sex and finally they fall in love with each other.
What exactly is a love-hate relationship? What is the psychology behind it? How to know if you are in the love-hate relationship or not? All of these questions will be answered in this ultimate guide on the love-hate relationship.
What is a Love-Hate Relationship?
Any relationship, whether romantic or not, in which one or all partners involved feels alternative or simultaneous emotions of love and hate, is classified as a love-hate relationship.
Mostly, this situation occurs in a romantic relationship. Where one partner (or both) experience a sudden rush of love towards the other partner and then (after some time) experiences an equally powerful emotional push of anger, towards the same partner.
This often leaves the two people fighting with each other, confused whether they really love each other or not.
Love/Hate relationships as a term is often used in mental health, psychology, fiction, and even with relationships with objects and ideas. Love Hate relationship can occur between romantic partners, siblings, and between parent and child as well.
15 Sure-Fire Signs of Love-Hate Relationship
If your partner (or you) display great care and affection at one time and yet display rage & anger on other times, and this cycle seems to be a routine thing, then you might be in a toxic love-hate relationship.
So, if you are confused about your partner’s behavior (or your own) in your current relationship because of the uncertainty of emotions and behaviors, then read the following signs of love-hate relationships.
- You Make & Break Frequently.
One of the biggest signs of a love-hate relationship is the cycle of breaking-up and making-up frequently.
You guys fight with each other and can’t stand (literally) the presence of your partner, in all this rage, you guys break-up with each other, vowing never to see each other’s face ever again.
Yet, a few hours (or days) later, both of you are back in each other arm’s, loving and cuddling, talking about all the romantic things and positive sides of your relationship.
Again, something stirs up the emotions of hate and the cycle tend to come back again.
If you are continually breaking-up and making-up with your partner (remember the angry or make-up sex?) then you might surely be in the love-hate relationship.
- Things You Hate were the Things You Used to Love.
Another big sign of love-hate relationships is when the things you used to love in your partner become the things you hate.
It can be the cute laugh of your partner which now seems barbaric to you or the way your girl used to play with her hair which now makes you kick yourself. Anything which you used to adore about your partner can change to the object of your hate and anger in this kind of toxic relationship.
The thing is, either you really used to love those things now the current hate is so strong that you have started to hate them as well. It also might be another way around, your passionate love about that person was so strong in the beginning that you overlooked the things which you now hate, as the passion falls.
- You are looking to Change Your Partner.
You hate your partner but you have invested so much of your time, attention and energy into this relationship that it is not possible to simply walk away.
So, you try your second bet, to change your partner.!
While you do care about your relationship, but there are certain parts and traits of your partner which you just cannot accept. Therefore, you do your best to change those specific parts and traits of your partner.
Your only hope in this relationship is to see your partner mold into the image you have for him or her in your mind. If you are currently experiencing this state, then know that your chances of being in a love-hate relationship are high.
- Thinking about Your Partner Stresses You Out.
As hatred is a powerful emotion, it causes a lot of stress if experienced for long periods of time.
Numerous studies suggest that long-term toxic emotions can really damage our mental and physical health. So if your partner is causing you a lot of anger, stress, and tension then there might be some underlying hate associated with your partner in your emotional makeup.
If simply thinking about your partner is causing you stress and making you feel that strong and negative emotion, then you might well be in a love-hate relationship with your partner.
- You are Uncertain about the long-term Future of Relationship.
In a love-hate relationship, both partners are often uncertain about the long-term future of the relationship.
As both partners are experiencing intense emotions of anger and hatred, they are unable to think of a clear future. Both partners, in such a relationship, are there only to fill a void in their life.
If You know in your true heart that this relationship is not going to last and that you are just sticking around to deal with the devil you know, then know that you deserve a better partner or you need to learn to become a better partner.
- Your Partner Always Rain on Your Parade.
Well, not always, but more often than not, your partner becomes the cause of destroying your happiness. This has led to a stage where even seeing your partner makes your happy mood run away.
If this is the case, then you surely at the end of a love-hate relationship. But if you only go through such experiences in certain specific situations, then there might be a chance of improvement in the relationship.
- You Lack Deep Connection & Intimacy in Relationship.
Long-term relationships are built and maintained on a deeper level. There is a deep connection between two souls, which then faces all challenges of life, together.
But in a love hate relationship, there is no such thing is as a deep connection. Although you might experience powerful emotions such as passion, anger, sex appeal, etc. But you don’t have a deep connection with the level of the soul.
Do not mistake your passionate (but short-lived) emotions for true love and connection. If you cannot feel deep intimacy with your partner beyond the surface level things such as beauty, wealth, or status then you might be having a love hate relationship.
- Your Relationship is Never Stable.
This is the trademark of a love hate relationship, a relationship that is never stable. At one moment you are head over heels with your partner and at the next, you cannot even stand his or her presence.
While these cycles of stability and instability might be different for every couple, people who are in a love-hate relationship tend to have them all the time.
So if you are having a really great time with your partner on one date while a total disaster on the other all the time, then you might consider the status of your relationship. You might be experiencing both passionate emotions, love, and hate, for your partner.
- You Love some of Him.
There are certain parts of your partner which you truly love. You like his smile, his focus on work, and his behavior while he meets your family. These are all the reason which keeps you glued to him and make you come back again and again.
- But You Hate Some of Him as Well!
This is another obvious sign of a love-hate relationship, while you love some traits of your partner, you hate other traits of him as well.
You hate how unruly and out of order he seems to be at home, you hate how he can focus so much on his work that he sometimes totally neglects you, you hate how he can be such a gentleman with your family but a total fool while being out with you.
These are all the traits of your partner which form the ‘hate’ part of this relationship.
- You are Living Two Lives as a Couple.
If you and your partner are living two different lives, then you are surely going through a toxic relationship.
It is a possibility that you guys appear like an ideal couple in front of the people in your lives, but you know that all this is just a ‘public appearance’ and the truth is much harsher. If you guys tend to ‘pretend perfect’ in front of your family and friends, tend to “overly in love” with each other while in public, then you guys are having an urge to hide something.
This urge of hiding something from people is disastrous emotion to have. If you are going through such a state in your relationship where you appear perfect in public while devil in private, then you need to really asses your relationship.
- You Keep Fighting over the Same Things.
In a love-hate relationship, couples tend to fight over the same things over and over again. The primary reason behind this pattern is the bigger, unresolved issues in the relationship.
The problem is, despite fighting all the time, you guys are not sitting down to resolve these issues. Your fights seem to be on something else, something new, but the underlying reason is the huge backlog of unresolved issues in your relationship.
While every relationship has some amount of unresolved issues, they are in huge amounts in a love-hate relationship and the couple does not have any emotional bonding to actually solve these issues as well.
Unless you solve these issues, they will keep coming back in different forms.
- You Backbite Your Partner.
Although this might seem a little thing to you at the moment, it isn’t.
Talking negatively about your partner behind his back is a sign of mistrust and a lack of communication between both of you. You cannot open up with your partner or cannot communicate about your pain points, this is the reason why you are looking for communication outside your relationship.
Another reason for talking behind your partner’s back is the need for validation. You are going through a tough time in this relationship and you need to validate your negative feelings and thoughts about your partner from other people.
Therefore, if you are finding yourself guilty of this sin again and again, then you must consider a better approach towards releasing your anxieties and mental issues.
- You are Looking for a Replacement.
This is one of the most important signs of a toxic relationship. You keep all your options open and look actively for a replacement.
You keep thinking in the back of your mind that as soon you find a person who doesn’t seem to have these ‘hateful’ traits, you are going to break-up with your current partner.
You see, you are not in this relationship for the long-term if you are actively looking for someone better and see your partner as easily replaceable. If you are going through a similar situation in your relationship, then know that this relationship is not for you.
Also, re-access and re-evaluate your values and ideas about a good relationship before you start dating someone else. This will help you in saving yourself from similar problems in the future.
- You are Happy, Relaxed, & at peace when it’s Over.
Remember the sense of relief you experience when you put down a heavy burden from your shoulders? Yes, you feel the same after ending a love-hate toxic relationship.
You might remember the time in your relationship when the mere idea of ending this amazing relationship might felt ‘ridiculous’ to you, but now, you are feeling light as a feather after ending the same relationship. The love-hate relationship is now over, and you are free to live your life without those maddening emotions taking over your life.
A love-hate relationship would never be sustainable, therefore, appreciate yourself for surviving such a mess and then prepare yourself for better relationships in the future.
Psychology of Love Hate Relationships – Why People Have Them!
The psychology behind love-hate relationship may seem complex at first, but it is really simple if one really wants to understand it.
We rarely totally, hundred percent, love or hate someone in our lives. We hate or dislike some parts of our partners and like and love other parts of him. Everyone person whom we interact with for a relatively long period of time is bound to give us some form of pain.
In a love hate relationship, that pain is greater than the love, therefore, we start to hate the person we love for all the pain and sorrow he has caused us. Whether in reality or in our mind.
Another factor in the psychology behind the love hate relationship which needs to be understood is the childhood of both partners.
If they are coming from a family where they received contradictory treatment from their parents or caretaker, or they experienced the ambivalent type of love which can change to intense hate at any moment, then that person learns to ‘love’ in that way in his or her adult life as well.
While this is a sad situation, but you cannot do much about it.
Only a professional can help such a person to help him release all those childhood traumas behind and to learn to love in a much healthier and sustainable manner.
How to Survive a Love-Hate Relationship? – 7 Tips to Fix the Toxic Relationship
While we advise against staying in a toxic relationship, but leaving someone without giving a proper chance also seems to be a bit unfair.
Therefore, follow these tips on handling a love hate relationship if you really want to improve the situation. However, if the situation has gone out of hands and you are losing yourself, then it is better to seek professional help and to end the relationship as well.
- Take Care of Yourself.
If you cannot love yourself or if you are emotionally unstable yourself, then you cannot love your partner or be emotionally stable with someone else as well.
Therefore, the first thing you need to do is take care of yourself, emotionally.
Try to treat yourself up, know that you are not your relationship, you are not the labels given by your partner, and know that you are bigger than any challenge in your life.
- Are the Feelings Mutual?
The number one thing which you need to do prior to anything else to make sure if the feelings of love are mutual or not?
Sometimes, it is just a single person who is experiencing these extreme and opposite love-hate feelings. Therefore, if your partner is unaware or indifferent about the situation you are going through, make sure you let him or her knows about your problems.
If your partner seems to take an interest, good. But if he/she ignores it then you should not be worrying to fix this relationship either.
- Have Mature Communication.
As mentioned earlier, we need to be able to have mature and healthy communication to resolve the underlying issues in our lives.
This becomes even more important in a love-hate relationship. Because the one thing which you cannot seem to have straight in the love hate relationship is communication.
Make efforts to sit down together and answer the following questions sincerely:
- What is our REAL problem?
- How can we fix it?
- Should we do things differently?
- Are we right for each other?
- Are we committed to the betterment of this relationship?
Answering such questions together will reveal the current state of your relationship right in front of you. Then you know where to work and where not to work.
- List Down Pros & Cos of this Relationship.
If even after all such efforts the problem seems to persist, then you should actually assess the relationship by writing down its pros and cons.
If you cannot see the reasons to be working on this relationship and the cons outweighs the pros, then there is no way (and no use) of trying to improve this relationship.
- Do Not Blame.
Look, it’s easy to blame others for our mistakes. It’s even easier in a love hate relationship. But as a mature individual, we all realize that it takes two to fight. Therefore, don’t ever blame your partner for all the things wrong in the relationship.
You might be tempted to do so in an episode of hate and rage, but doing so will only harm the meek prospects of improvement in your relationship.
- Seek Professional Help.
It’s good to handle your own problems with your own hands. But as you cannot solve the problem from the same level of thinking at which you created it, therefore you should seek professional help to clean the mess.
One of the common mistakes which couples make is to seek professional help too late.
You should not be doing so. Rather, try to involve a professional as early as possible because it’s really hard to undo the emotional damages.
- Let Go.
If everything seems to fail and you both just cannot seem to get along together. Then you need to let go of each other.
There are certain people who are simply not made for us. Therefore, leave each other respectfully, without blaming and putting all the mess on one partner’s shoulders.
May you both find true love and peace in a future relationship. Life is just not limited to a single person, learn to let go.
Love Hate Relationship Examples
There might be many examples of love hate relationships in your life. You can even experience love hate relationship between friends, but the following are the few examples of love hate relationships from the realm of fiction.
- Pride & Prejudice written by Jane Austin
- Tom & Summer from 500 Days of Summer (Movie)
- Cher & Josh from Clueless (Movie)
- Patrick & Kat from 10 Things I Hate About You (Movie)
- Bully written by Penelope Douglas
- Obsidian, written by Jennifer L.
- Bridget Jone’s Diary written by Helen Fielding
- Cruel Beauty, written by Rosamund Hodge
- Brad & Jan from Pillow Talk (Movie)
Top 18 Must-Read Love-Hate Relationship Quotes
Love Hate relationship is a common experience. As mentioned earlier, we can experience love hate relationship with a friend, sibling, romantic partner and even with parents as well. People experience love-hate relationship with ideas and objects as well.
Therefore, a lot of great thinkers and writers have talked about this toxic relationship.
In this section, we are sharing only the best and must-read love hate relationship quotes so that you can pick the brain of great people on this matter as well.
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Conclusion:
So, this is the ultimate guide to love hate relationship and everything that you need to know about it in 2022.
We have learned the definition of a love-hate relationship, major signs of this toxic bond, and how to survive it. We have also shared the examples of love hate relationships and shared the top 18 and must-read quotes as well.
Let us your thoughts on this guide. We are looking forward to hearing from you.
FAQs on Love-Hate Relationship:
Can you love and hate the same person at a time?
It is due to your personality called ambivalent, Emotional ambivalence means that these two emotions, love, and hate, don’t substitute each other, but rather coexist together.
Can your love turn to hate?
Love or hate both are mental states, in love you start ignoring someone’s mistakes, and in hate, you just halt your ability to self-reflect.
Is hate stronger than love?
The hate is the root of the mental dimension, Therefore, it is considered strong as compare to the love state. It is just a reflection of love with a state of sorrow.
What do you call a person who hates love?
The person who hates love is called a misanthrope or misanthropist, which is the person who holds such views or feelings.
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